I'm going to be productive in my procrastination. I know I am avoiding studying. I'm tired of spending so much time thinking about muscles, insertions, techniques, finances, etc, and for today am completely letting it all go. I will do what I need to when I need to. I will learn and go on.
It is so very easy to get macrovision in life; to see only the right here and now through your own narrow half-blind vision. To get caught up and overly attached to the neural firing, interpretations, and thoughts, of life.
I declare today to be a day of rest. This saturday is a day of rest. An important day to relax, refocus, and recharge.
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I still minimize myself and my accomplishments in my own head. Why do I do this? Of what do I fear? My old nemesis lurks here still. Fear of failure is his name and he whispers his insidious lies into my ears and they strengthen my fears and worries. He latches on when I'm distracted and looking the other way. There has been little time taken by me, in the past month and half flurry of school, to stop and centre, rest and still, myself.
Much like hiking down hill, where it takes more effort to keep a slow pace then it does to let go and gain speed until you catch your foot on the inevitable rock or root and then ragdoll into a battered and bruising crumpled heap, so to it is with living life and facing challenges. When inputs and events start happening faster than I can process, I start responding out of my core. This is a wonderful, interesting, and informative place to operate out of. It teaches you alot about your values, your fears, your weaknesses, and your strengths. At least it can if you stop and reflect.
We are all the sum of a cast number of experiences, memories, emotions, teachings, challenges, relationships, and choices. I'm 27. I can't begin to remember or recollect a fraction of all that when I'm deeply immersed in the process of living. I miss tonnes that happens around me everyday. But we rest in all those memories and are building upon all those victorious defeats and devastating victories that have occurred thus far.
I look at the amount of school ahead and the fear wielding face of failure whispers at me. "You can't afford this" "The money won't last" "You're not able to do this" "You will fail". Some assaults hit my armor of life and experience and fall to the ground. Others catch in the notches and wiggle around trying to worm their way in. The only way to get rid of those ones is to notice them, stop moving, and address them. If you don't notice them you won't stop moving and can't address them. You just keep walking, or running, forward as they work their way deeper and leech more and more from your joy and spirit.
When did the challenges of life become more scary and less exhilarating? When did the voice of wisdom become submerged beneath the drivel of fools? I don't know exactly, and that's not too important. What matters it that I've noticed.
And that is a grand thing.
I've noticed. I've stopped. And I'm taking stock. Actually I'm not at stock taking yet.. I need to just stop for a little while longer. It is time to reflect and remember; to reconnect with what I've learned and who I am; to find my footing.
In finding myself I will be ready for whatever may come. My armor may be dinged and beaten up but it is clean of rust and debris. It is time to pick it up once more and go forth.
And what about you? When is that last time you've taken a day to stop? To notice? To address? Do you ever get caught up in the crazyness of life and just respond without observation?
Sometimes I forget that it's ok to screw up and that I don't have to be perfect. That it's ok that I don't have it all together just yet. That part of the process of life is learning to live with our strengths and weaknesses, and to grow and be stretched.
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Ok well I've got to jet out the door cause I told someone I'd give them some guitar lessons and we'd have a sing along this evening. So my apologies if there are any grammatical errors in this.
Adios and may you have a grand day.
Jordan
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