Sunday, December 27, 2009

thoughts and musings on current positioning.. ie How am I doing?

The following is from an email that I wrote (Dec.26/09) to a good friend who had inquired as to how I was doing.. I think it's got some goodness in it.

I am doing mostly fairly well more often than not. ;) Times of wonder and joy and goodness, when I'm stoked on life and writing, singing, playing songs etc. Times when I want to write this book, share my ideas, etc.. times when I want to record an album, share my music, times when I want to find someone and share my life.. and then times where I can't even really think about it. Where I feel I should.. but.. that the book isn't good enough, not like what others write, my songs aren't that complicated, my guitar skills not much to talk about, and that really I'm always going to let down the people I love and that it's all just too scary to comprehend so I'll let the day pass me by.

Times of struggle and success and failure. Moments of joy and sorrow. Many moods that flow throughout. I still struggle with my weight/image thing. There's security in it for me I think.. i suspect that having had my childhood be so bizarre and crazy and beyond my control that I found ways to survive through adaptation and rolling with things. Keeping my head down and observing and reacting. Its hard to buck that trend. Its hard to chase life; to chart one's course in a positive determined way. At least for me. To feel the draw to community, to sharing, to love.. yet with the pull of fear and safety in the woods, wilds, and loneliness that waits outside in a forest or a cave, or on the water. Battles and struggles. I suppose most feel this and struggle with these things, perhaps many don't acknowledge or think about it, don't explore it.. I don't know. I can't know. I live in my self and it is what I struggle to somewhat know in some minute way ;) And so I go on. I know that much. That I am past the point of giving up. I've had those opportunities and dark times and... here I am still. Perhaps that alone is a victory of sorts. So yes.. I do well often. And based upon other's opinions and sights most would say "that Jordan dude looks to be doing pretty well". So based on that external observation it can be thought that I am doing pretty well. I struggle with gauging such things... to what standard is it held? How can I be other than I am? or other where than I am? I am continuing to grow and develop as I grapple with life and encounter it. The process of living/surviving is growth, is wisdom.

I think I'm lonely alot. I'm often content with where I am.. yet there is also that part that continues to seek, to search, to want.. and I suppose that makes me uncomfortable, makes me afraid. But I am very glad that part exists.. for without that? then what? Without the fear and the hunger, without the pull onward and to more, the spirit most likely would lay down and die. Hmmm.... perhaps there is an enlightenment and awareness in that. Perhaps it is a place I might get to one day, but I'm not there yet. So I continue. In seeing the world in darkness and hurt, in accepting that suffering and shit exist, we can also approve of and appreciate goodness, love, safety, companionship, beauty, etc... a progression? So we go on. We go on. I love because I wish to be loved. I smile because they are good things that I love to see. We sometimes do these things because we choose to, because we can.

Ok.. and sometimes I get pensive and introspective ;) Thoughts at hitting 30? haha Mind you it is almost New Years ;)