Monday, March 05, 2007

Mate Mate Man

The other day was a bit of a tempestuous day. Emotionally I was off kilter and tossed about like salad at a salad fight. A series of events acted as trigger points that I later traced back to the root fears.

The event that brought me first to an awareness of my off-kilterness? I'd done some photocopying for our group and one of the girls said she didn't want one. That was all. But for some reason I felt almost sick, rejected, vulnerable. It was really odd. The feelings didn't match the input. So I noticed that something funky was happening. I hoped that the bike ride back would allow me some distancing time and that I'd be able to hunt down the facts when I got home. So home I cycled.

Once home I donned my spelunking gear for internal exploration, turned on the headlamp, and began my descent into the beyond inside.

I found that a previous revelation that day had set me up in the vulnerable position. A previous revelation had battered my walls. It had knocked me askew. What was it? Well one of the 3 other guys in the class had decided to drop out. Having only 4 guys in a class of 38, you get to know the guys pretty quick. Not only that but he and I had hung out and had some nifty good plans for different things. Like starting a little Yerba business at Farmer's Markets, to sell stuff and play guitars, and all kinds of other fun. It was good times. And than *bam* it wasn't. Rumours were flying around. He'd gone to Manitoba. He was called back to his home planet. He was going into surgery to become a female. (Ok.. not all of those were rumours that spread around class.) And I was upset that I hadn't heard anything about this.

Dig deeper lad, deeper.

So I did. And found this was a slightly similar scenario to what happened at the beginning of the year with a lady that I sat next to in class. She's an awesome person. But was having a hard time. So I encouraged her and hung out with her. She was going to get me to help tutor her. It was a bond formed through slogging it out in the trenches of an overwhelming experience. And then she didn't come to class for a couple days and missed our appointments. I didn't know what was going on. Then someone said that she'd dropped out.

All of these experiences share similarities. All triggered and inflamed the similar old familiar fears. That there's something wrong with me. I know it's not rational. Yet obviously there is a part of me that is still afraid deep down sometimes. And that's the part that needs to be heard. Needs to be embraced. Needs to be worked through.

So that was my journey at the end of last week. As of last night I'd resolved the fluttering remnants of my internal delusions when I ran into my buddy online yesterday. Turns out he's still living in the area, getting other stuff in line, going to re-start in September, and still wants to get the Yerba thing going as well as hang out. That's life. Full of different lessons and places to explore. The outside exploration is fun and challenging and good; the inside tougher and more marvellous by far.

Time to jet off to class and get palpated. It's my turn to be the demo today. We're doing muscles of the calves and feet. So I get to share my calf crack. :)

And maybe I still get to be the Mate Mate Man after all :)

1 comment:

Tele Queen said...

Rejection?? what's this!? My e-boyfriend is feeling low? We need to have a nice little MSN chat now don't we!! :)
I hope you have a better rest of the week!