Friday, January 05, 2007

December 30/2006

Right now at this very moment and place, at this time and space, I'm held between two powerful passions, two evocative emotions. Both brought forth by an increasing awareness of the intense magnitude of wonderment that exists in the finite universe, as well as that which lay beyond the realm of the physical. Like a pressure cooker, intensity grows as I become increasingly aware of my limited resources, my limited lifespan (which no matter how long, will be too short), and the fact that I will not know it all.

In light of this, there is a part of me that desires to become intensely microscopic in focus; to spend the rest of my days plumbing the depths and worlds present on just one tree. On the other hand I know if I stay still too long there is all of the rest that I will miss out on.

And there's the rub. I don't want to miss out. Yet internally I know I will never know.

In this huge, finite, mind blowing world, my finite noggin is insufficient to grasp the scope and complexity. And frankly I don't like that. Before I gave up, many years ago, I was a perfectionist. Perhaps you can see it.. or not. Then life got hard and I couldn't uphold the standards I held myself to. My attempt at perfection then was based out of the misguided belief that if I did things right, if I didn't screw up, if I was perfect, then I was of worth.

It's been quite a journey.

Now I see a little bit differently. The curtain has parted a millimeter and new light comes through. I am Don Quixote. I am everyone. I am me. And despite my limited abilities and short time frame to engage with the world around me I shall ride forth to tilt at my windmills. Oh the madness of Man. Oh the folly of Fools. Oh the life we choose to lead.

To seek knowledge in this world is like seeking water in the ocean. You cannot swim that whole ocean no matter how hard or long you try. But you can have a great time attempting to.

And now, in part, I hope to have left the tie between perfection and worth a little further behind me. To do what I can each day. To still strive for growth, to still pursue potential, yet to combine this with contentment too. To leave behind the thought "that I can never know it all, so why continue?" To connect once again to that deeper passion and sense of adventure that exists when worth is not connected to perfection. To feel that mystery lurks around every corner; and behind every new page there lay promise too.

We are travellers still: Argonauts and Cosmonauts, navigators and explorers, pioneers, scientists and artists, friends, brothers and neighbors. For all of us still, the map remains bordered with the open expanse of unmarked parchment that contains only the words "Here Be Dragons". Those dragons are as real now as they were then. And in response we can remain within the borders of our "known world" or venture forth in search of the unknown.

We are captains of our own ships and I give my orders now. Up anchor, out with the sails, and away.

Now it is time for me to open my text book and return once more, to the intimidating and fascinating world of the chemical level of organization. Yowza. Fire cannons! Return volley! Ack! The thing's a beast. I hope I don't get crushed under it's massive girth! But hey.. what a way to go!

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