Well I'm once again in my semi-annual melancholy mood when I start responding to some sort of feeling of self imposed pressure and judgement. The whole "what am I doing?" "where am I going?" and feeling a little at a loss in regards to answers. Through it all I'm very thankful that I know this is a mood and that it will pass. It isn't something to fight but to listen to, with the realization that my view is affected by my current mood.
What has lead to this? Hmmmmm... different self pressures held to that are given by society?
What factors can I guess at?
Surrounded by many students who are pondering their future academic journeys?
And the fact that I have not walked that path yet.
Friends having babies, friends getting married.
But not me.
Those neat things part of me would like to buy or have.
And don't.
All of these things that part of me feels I'm supposed to want, part of me wants, and part of me doesn't. I often feel that the part of me that wants these things is somewhat motivated out of this pressure that I'm supposed to want these things.
I'm thankful for the things I have. I'm thankful for my friends and family. I don't suffer and live a good life. And still there is a struggle for contentment inside of me. It is said that if you are not happy with what you have, you'll never be happy with what you'll get. I believe there is some truth to this. But of all the priorities and goals we can chase is happiness the highest? I feel it is not.
It is these melancholy moods that taught me that there are some times when I shouldn't drink. This is one of them. (And I don't really want to.. but if I did.. I wouldn't let myself, cause it wouldn't help at all, and I'm cheap.)
I feel like I stradle the line between romanticism and realism, dreamer and realist, and am in neither. Perhaps this is normal for most; it is so for me. (The great thing about these melancholy moods is that I actually start writing stuff down during them.. and that they pass).
Bah I know that I am a romantic and a dreamer, although disillusioned at times (it's amusing to me that the term disillusioned has a negative connotation when it seems to actually be the process by which someone sees something cleary, without illusion. Though people most likely become disillusioned when they merely exchange one illusion for another. For is not all that we see in some way illusory?)
Sometimes I wonder if the melancholy mood is the reality and if the time when I'm not is merely life lived above it in some illusory dream? These are, of course, thoughts I only think when I'm in my melancholy mood. Once loosened of these fetters I no longer care and live care-free again. I'm not there right now and wonder if the care-free times smack of denial? At least in my melancholy I am still left with my cynical, sardonic humour. Long has it been my ally through my dark times. Back before I discovered optimism, when friends described me as the most optimistic pessimist they new. When my motto internally was "the worlds sucks but you might as well laugh". Play on while the city burns.
Hmmmmm... perhaps.. perhaps it is time I left my dreams and put my feet on the ground. Perhaps in the death of old dreams, the reality will allow the realization of new dreams? Perhaps I need to grow up? (more).
Do I have a problem with commitment? Well I think perhaps some may say so. What do I say? Well I've never thought of it in those terms before.. or thought of it as a problem. Maybe my joke of saying "it's harder to hit a moving target" and my wandering ways are related to a deeper insecurity or fear of being hurt. Or hurting others. Most likely these are somewhat related to my fear of failure... of failing others.. of failing myself.
Of course all of these thoughts are there behind my cheery, jovial, facade.
My survival skills of adaptability. Trying not to become too attached to people I'll feel worse about failing. And the thoughts come once more, unbidden? or toyed with like long acquaintances? Am I a failure? What have I succeeded in doing? My oft wondered perennial question of "what do I do?" which is where our culture often seeks the answer to the question of "who am I?".
These thoughts buzz and flood my head. They exist in the abstract and the concept. It's inefficient, insufficient. It is what I have to use. I feel like a mute singer. I feel like there is a song inside of me that cannot be expressed. I feel in this world, like a youth who's body has grown longer than he can handle and he klunks around to his dismay and others amusement. I feel that I have learned to laugh at my dismay and sorrow, my wearyness that does not amount to much when compared to others who have struggled longer and harder, but it is mine and what I know.
Again I think, there is much to be thankful for, but right now I'm not very much thankful. (Which is, I admit, very silly, yet the way I feel at this momement which shall pass.)
After writing during my melancholy, after allowing it for a bit, after laughing at it and me, I then proceed to my next step, which is choosing to move on and no longer dwell in idle fancy and speculation. For what is gained by my staying in such a state? A pale complexion as I dwell in the dark? I fill more pages with words and sentences, but I don't live. So I will go on now. I will go outside, down by the river, and perhaps in this excursion I will find peace. I most likely will.. it's usually what happens. And perhaps in the next little while these storm fronts will grind me against the rocks at time or two more until this season has passed. Then there will be smooth waters again. Until the next season comes.
So who am I? I am me, and though I don't know what that means, I believe it to be true, and that is enough. So I'll walk on.
~~~~~
More thoughts before I go..
This all partly stems from what I hold to be expectations for judging my position. I've recieved many of these standards from the culture around me, and as I believe in them I hold myself to them.
So now I exist in a semi-anxious state.
I have a job that pays me until July 7th. By many standards it is a decent and good job and I have no large complaints. It is a decent environment that I believe I could stay at indefinitly. There are worse jobs and better. When my time here ends I will go to Camp Squeah for the sumemr, where I've been for many years and there too I will do well. If I were to so choose at this moment I could stay in employment another year (or most likely more) with my current employer.
Yet I am not satisfied so I look for more/different/greater. Will I be satisfied there? Will I be satisfied ever? And so I fret on my future. What am I to do? Should I go back to school? If so for what? Should I pick up a trade? Plumbing is supposed to be good.
Bah.. grumble, gripe, complain, worry, it doesn't do much good. I've survived this long I'll probably live longer. I should go enjoy that river while I still can as opposed to being a fool who stays typing on the computer all day complaining that he doesn't get out into the sun ever. Bah!
Tigers above and below, eat the damn strawberry.
;) Adios
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